This is a tale about bladder insecurity and, paradoxically, overconfidence.

This particular guide in Southern Africa was a few years into his career when he received a family of guests from the United States. They had been on safari a few times before and were well-versed in how the process works. On this occasion, the parents were taking their children and their families on an African safari as part of a multigenerational trip.

On the first day, whilst the guide did his briefing in the luxurious sitting area, the father of the group pulled him aside. He had recently begun to develop some issues about his ability to ‘hold on’, toileting-wise. He wasn’t embarrassed by the concern but was aware that in the bush options for a toilet may be few and far between and he didn’t want to draw too much attention to it. Not an uncommon request from people over a certain age, the guide reassured him that it was something he could manage. Whenever the guest needed to go, all he had to do was mention it casually in code to the guide. The guide would then pull over and go off to ‘check the bushes’, looking for anything large, toothy or grumpy hiding in the bushes that might interrupt the sneaky bush wee. The guest would then follow shortly after.

This process worked well, like a well-oiled machine. As they drove around the reserve belonging to this prestigious lodge, looking at the vast array of animals living their wild lives, the guest would feel the urge and let the guide know. The guide would then find a quiet spot, pull over to ‘check the bushes’ and then shortly after the man would follow. Game drive after game drive, stop after stop, they would continue the process. However, despite a few reminders from the guide, the length of time between the guide checking the bushes and the man jumping out of the vehicle seemed to get shorter and shorter. The guide would remind him to wait until he got the all-clear, but after a while, the man would regress back to shorter and shorter intervals.

Meanwhile, the family trip was going well, but the group was unable to see lions. A recent incursion of males from another area had scattered the resident pride, and the usually reliable sightings had become harder than normal. Each day the family wanted to see some, mostly for the kid's benefit, but they weren’t forthcoming.

On the final day, on the final game drive of their stay, the kids in the group woke up badly. Grumpy and tired, they were causing a fuss on the trip. The parents, also having underslept, had their hands full managing them. The guide was trying to keep everyone happy as well as look for lions and monitor the radio for sightings. Thankfully he had received word that some lionesses were napping a little way away, and he decided to make a last-ditch attempt for them to surprise his guests. He made sure the guest had a toilet stop to ‘check the bushes’ just prior to this radio call and then headed his way up to the hill.

Approaching the site, he pulled into the area and stopped the car. The lions were lying down sleeping, hard to see without knowing they were there. Relieved, and without thinking, the guide said to the group that they should “check under the bushes”. Without thinking either, and as some sort of Pavlovian response, the man jumped straight out of the vehicle, less than 15 metres away from the lions.

The guide later said he knew what was happening as soon as the words left his mouth. On instinct, he opened his car door and positioned his body sideways to shield the man from the view of the lions. Calmly and at a low volume, but with serious intent, he yelled at the man to climb back into the car. The man did, but it was only when he was climbing back into the vehicle, and the lions started looking up to see what the noise was, did the family realise what had happened. And when the man realised, he no longer needed to use the toilet but did need to change his pants.

Just before arriving back at camp, the man needed to use the bathroom again. This time however he sat tight in the car until he got the all-clear (twice!) from the guide. And, for good measure, he made sure the guide kept him company whilst he did his business.

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